Velma the Vegan Vampire Chapter Twenty-One

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Chapter 21: Nom Nom Nom

Velma had been planning to snack on a McDonald’s customer after getting together with Muriel, but on the way there, she and Andy passed the theatre. It displayed an advertisement for their upcoming Cinderella pantomime. The celebrity playing the wicked stepmother was someone Velma wanted to meet.

She walked round the back to the stage door.

Andy followed her. “I thought you told Muriel half an hour after sundown.”

“I did.” Velma tried the door and found it to be unlocked.

“So we’re already late. Shouldn’t we do this later? Whatever this is.” Andy was eager to see Muriel and Sammy.

Velma pushed the door open but hesitated before going in. “You’re right, don’t want to keep Muriel waiting. You go. Meet Muriel and I’ll be there in a few.”

“You sure? What are you doing?”

“Tell ya later,” she whispered and closed the door behind her.

Andy took off to McDonald’s where Muriel, and Sammy, were over the moon to see him.

“I’m sorry but no dogs allowed in here,” a team member told them. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Muriel smiled and nodded, feeling not at all disappointed that they couldn’t stay. She linked arms with Andy as they cheerfully left the restaurant. “How?” she asked him, “How are you here? Velma told me you were in prison!”

“I was,” he grinned.

“So what happened? I mean, obviously they dropped the charges. D’you think they’ll drop my charges?” Muriel looked around, “where are we going? Where’s Velma? Shouldn’t we wait here for her?”

“Let’s go to Monty’s. She’ll find us there.”

“No we can’t go to Monty’s. The cops might be expecting that. I told Velma yesterday that we shouldn’t go to Monty’s again. Did she tell you to take me to Monty’s?”

“No. Well yes, after I was arrested she did. She told me to tell you but I never got the chance.”

“Oh, well I waited there yesterday because I didn’t know how to find her and I remembered she took us to Monty’s a couple of years ago and said it was her home from home. Which I thought was weird at the time but now it kind of makes sense.”

Andy nodded. “So let’s go!”

“We can’t,” she lifted her foot to show him the ankle monitor, “they might be following. That’s why I suggested McDonalds.”

“Right. Okay. Let’s go to the theatre then. That’s where I left her.”

Muriel looked at her watch. “Okay, but I have to keep an eye on the time.” They walked briskly towards the theatre and saw the Now Showing from across the road. “Fright Night! Doh, I wish I didn’t have this flippin’ curfew!” She watched jealously as people entered and queued for tickets. “Oh, but if they’re gonna drop my charges -” she said with a glint of hope in her eyes. “Fingers crossed it’s still on when they do!”

Andy knew he really should tell her the truth about how he got out, but couldn’t decide on the best way to start. Before he said anything, a woman hurried out of the theatre’s side door, bumping into Muriel as she did.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said tearfully, head down.

“It’s okay,” Muriel told her, “what’s wrong, are you alright?” The woman looked up and Muriel recognised her. “You’re Faith Caine!” The woman nodded. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s that sadistic ass – Walton Pewtridd. Pewtridd by name, putrid by nature!” Faith declared before she hurried away.

A wide-eyed Muriel looked at Andy who was looking at the Cinderella poster. “Oh, they’re both in the panto,” he said before reading from the poster “starring the popular CBeebies presenter, Faith Caine, as Cinderella and controversial TV Chef, Walton Pewtridd, as the wicked stepmother. Ohh, I think I know why Velma went in there!” he said with a mischievous smile.

“Why?”

“Let’s just say, when she comes back for her next rehearsal, Ms Caine will be happy to discover that the wicked stepmother’s got to be recast.”

Muriel smiled. “She’s vegan you know.”

“Excuse me, can I have a quick word?” Inside the theatre, Velma had sneaked into Pewtridd’s dressing room.

“Hey – get out! Being a fan doesn’t give you the right to just barge in here!”

“I’m not a fan,” she told him, “quite the opposite in fact. Sorry for the misunderstanding.”

“Oh here we go. What have I done? What over-sensitive toes have I trodden on now?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m particularly sensitive,” she told him, “certainly not over-sensitive.”

He sat at his dressing table, grumpily wiping off his stage make-up. “What then? What the hell are you doing in my dressing room?”

“I saw Faith Caine running out of here in tears. What did you do to upset her?”

“Nothing!” He tutted. “Is it my fault she can’t take a joke?” He started applying toner. “What’s it to you anyway? You her agent or something?”

“No,” said Velma, “never met her. What joke?”

“She didn’t like me making a joke about choosing which lamb to cook. Said I was callous and unfeeling. What a hypocrite! Doesn’t she know where meat comes from?”

“She’s vegan.”

“Oh, well, that explains a lot,” he said as he threw another tissue in the bin. “Vegans. They’re the worst!” Velma didn’t respond to that so after a few seconds he turned to see if she was still there. “I’m guessing you’re vegan too,” he said when he saw she was. “And you’ve come to have a go at me as well I suppose.”

“No,” Velma smiled. “I’ve come to kill you.”

He was sure she wasn’t serious but you could never tell with weirdos. Especially vegan weirdos. Facing the mirror he looked for her reflection behind him but couldn’t see it. She must have stepped aside. He hoped she’d left the room but he turned around to make sure and was shocked to find her right behind him. At his shoulder in fact. He looked back at the mirror and her reflection was still absent. He forced himself to turn and look at her again and her savage grin was terrifying.

“You don’t look like a vegan,” He said nervously.

“Yeah, I know,” she said. “But I think of myself as vegan because I only prey on serial killers.”

“I’m not a serial killer!” he told her fervently. “I never murdered anyone in my life!”

“Unless you count fish,” she argued, “and cows. And sheep, and birds, and lobsters. And pigs.”

“I don’t.”

“I do.”

He opened his mouth to scream but her eyes told him not to.

“You wanna know why?” She asked him. He nodded. “You want me to know it’s all just an act, this nasty man thing you do?” He nodded again. “You want me to know you’re not a bad guy really?” His eyes were pleading now. “Well, the truth is, Wally – celebrity controversy guy – you’re nothing special. You’re just a meat-eater in the wrong place at the wrong time. You’re no worse than the rest of them. You’re odious, sure, but so are all of your kind. The only difference between you and the average Joe Meateater is that you’re not wilfully ignorant. You know who died and how, and that doesn’t bother you. They’re all just nom nom nom to you, aren’t they Walt?” She smiled again, angelically this time. “Which, ironically, is what you are to me. Nom. Nom. Nom.”

She took his hand and bit into his wrist. His warm blood flowed into her mouth, satisfying her righteous hunger while he drifted peacefully into oblivion.

On her way out, Velma noticed they were showing Fright Night and hesitated for a moment, wondering if she might indulge her friends with some classic entertainment. She could see through the glass front doors that they were waiting outside with Sammy.

“Three for Fright Night please.”

“Where would you like to sit?” the ticket seller asked. Velma chose three seats in the left side block where no one else was sitting. “Okay. Anything to eat or drink?”

Velma smiled, “no thank you.”

“That’s £27 then please.”

Velma smiled again, looked deeply into the ticket seller’s eyes, and subsequently took the tickets she printed off for her. Then she stepped outside.

“Velma!” Muriel said before covering her mouth. Sorry, she mouthed, we’re not supposed to talk out loud.

“Why not?” Andy asked.

“In case this thing is recording us,” Muriel whispered, pointing to the ankle gadget.

“Let me see,” he crouched down to get a closer look. “I don’t think so,” he said, shaking his head. “They do make them with microphones and two-way coms, but this looks basic. Minimal. I bet it doesn’t even have GPS.”

“The guy said it did.”

“Okay, it probably does then. But if it had a microphone he would have told you that too.”

“Are you sure?” she asked almost inaudibly.

Andy grinned and nodded. “I know things.”

“Great!” said Velma, “let’s watch Fright Night!” she waved the tickets in their faces.

Muriel was excited. “Yay!” until she looked at her watch. “But how long is the film? I’ve got to be home in two hours!”

Velma looked back over her shoulder as she pushed open the glass door. “You’ll make it!”

Muriel happily took the first step “but what about Sammy? Are dogs allowed?”

“Sammy will be,” Andy laughed as he scooped up his beloved companion.

All four friends cheerfully entered the building, took the lift to the top floor, and presented their tickets to the usher. Except Sammy. He didn’t have a ticket but a deep stare from Andy was all the usher required for his admission.

Most of the seats were empty, there were maybe seven or eight other people in the audience and all sat in the centre section. It was dark already. They’d missed the adverts and the trailers, and Chris Sarandon’s name had just appeared on the screen. Velma gestured for Muriel to slide into the unoccupied row first, then Andy with Sammy, and she sat down last.

Muriel giggled. “This is so cheesy,” she whispered, “I love it!”

“Me too,” whispered Andy.

“We should have got some popcorn!” Muriel leaned over to get Velma’s attention. “Can you get us some popcorn?” she asked, offering her a £10 note. “And a cola please,” she added as Velma shrugged and took the money.

“Cheeky,” Andy told her, “why don’t you go?”

“If I did you’d all have to get up to let me out. So that would disturb Velma anyway. Then you’d have to stand up again to let me back in. This is best for everyone,” she grinned cheekily. “I’ll share it with you,” she promised.

“Actually I don’t eat popcorn anymore,” he whispered, figuring this was as good a time as any to tell her.

“Ha!” she replied sceptically.

“Ha?”

Muriel smiled. “In twelve years I’ve never once seen you refuse a sweet treat.” Her eyes were glued to the screen.

“They didn’t drop the charges,” Andy told her. “Velma got me out.”

She turned to look at him. “She did?” she whispered. “How?”

At that point Velma returned with the food and drink so Muriel stood up to take it from her. “Thank you.” She playfully put the box of popcorn in Andy’s lap. “Resist that if you can,” she whispered in his ear.

He smiled and gave the popcorn back to her. “I’ll have no trouble resisting it. I’m a vampire now.”

Muriel coughed, spraying cola on the back of the seat in front of her. She coughed for a while. Gradually the coughs became less violent and she looked at her friend.

“Yesterday.” He whispered. “It was the only way she could get me out.”

Muriel still didn’t say anything.

“I misted out of there Muriel,” he murmured excitedly, “and then I turned into a bat and flew away with her.”

Muriel nodded and looked at the screen. She silently gestured for him to do the same. “We’re missing it. Look – the detective just dragged Charley out of Dandridge’s house.”

Andy looked at the screen, and then to his right at Velma. She’d heard him tell Muriel and she shrugged sympathetically. They both knew Muriel would need time to process so they might as well enjoy the film while they waited.

Seventy two minutes later, Muriel was on her feet before the credits rolled. “‘Scuse me,” she whispered. Andy and Velma had to stand up and let her pass. “Sammy, come on boy,” she patted her leg to encourage him to join her in the aisle but he wouldn’t leave Andy. “Sammy!” she whispered more commandingly, but he snuggled still closer to Andy.

“He’s alright,” Andy told her. “He can stay with me.” The lights came on and the other members of the audience were getting up to leave.

“Fine. But his bed’s at my place so I thought he’d rather sleep there than in a tree with you two.” She began to walk away. “So I guess I’ll see ya.”

Andy looked at Velma. “What’s her problem?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” said Velma, “maybe she feels left out.”

“Oh no,” Andy hurried to untangle Sammy’s lead from the seats. “I’ve got to go after her and explain.”

“It’s not safe for you to go to Muriel’s, they’ll be looking for you,” Velma told him. “Take Sammy to the country park. I’ll talk to Muriel.”

***

Muriel made it home with barely a minute to spare and went straight to bed. She didn’t undress or get under the covers. Just lay on her back staring at the ceiling, wondering how she’d come to this. Trapped and alone with only the prospect of prison to look forward to.

A mist came under the bedroom door and she watched it become Velma. At first neither of them spoke but Velma sat on the bed and squeezed Muriel’s hand.

“Ow!” Muriel pulled her hand back. “It hurts when you do that you know,” she said petulantly.

“Sorry.”

“You could have told me you were gonna vamp Andy.”

“I couldn’t discuss it with you until I’d discussed it with him. When I saw you yesterday I didn’t know Andy wanted to do it.”

“How did you persuade him?”

“I didn’t. He asked me to do it as soon as I got there. He couldn’t bear to stay there another minute.”

Muriel sat up. “Couldn’t you have just pulled the doors off their hinges and taken him out of there by force?”

“No. They wouldn’t have let him just walk out, even if I’d pulled off all the doors. They would have beat him back, tased him, or even shot him. I could only get out by becoming the mist and the bat. But I couldn’t carry Andy out as either of those things.” She paused while Muriel took it in. “And he knew it. He knew it was the only way he could be free.”

Muriel flopped back on the bed. “He seems happy,” she conceded. “He seems glad he’s a vampire.”

Velma nodded. “He does,” she agreed.

“I don’t want to go to prison either,” Muriel stated the obvious, “but I’m not sure I could drink blood. Yuk!”

“Of course it’s yuk to you now. It’s a very yukky thing to humans. Or it should be,” Velma stated some more obvious. “But when you’re a vampire – if you become a vampire – it won’t be.”

Muriel sat up again and spoke her thoughts aloud. “I always fantasised about a world where all humans are vegan, living in harmony with each other and all living beings. And I remember, when I heard the United Nations had published a paper about the environmental devastation caused by animal farming – erm, what was it called? Livestock’s Long Shadow ! – I really thought it would happen. They’ll have to phase out animal farming now, I thought. But then I read the report and discovered that the only conclusion they’d reached was that cows should be fed a different food to stop them burping so much! And I thought, my God – what will it take to get human beings to -?” she didn’t finish her sentence because her point was made.

She reached under her bed and pulled out a newspaper. “But you – what you’ve done – especially in the last few months,” she handed the newspaper to Velma. “Read that,” she said.

Velma skimmed the article and smiled. “Wow,” she said, “an unprecedented upswing in the sales of plant-based foods,” she read, “linked to a corresponding decrease in sales of dairy products, eggs, meat and fish.”

“Read on,” Muriel urged.

Velma read on and sighed. “… government taking action to help livestock farmers survive the fad which this undoubtedly is … Good grief!” she tossed the paper onto the floor.

“That’s what governments always do Vel, we know that. But what you’ve done this year has created a unique opportunity. We have to keep up the pressure! If the general public, en masse, is actually opening their minds to the truth about the obscenity of breeding, slaughtering and butchering sentient animals – we have to keep pushing them towards enlightenment. We have to stop them being dragged back to the dark side!”

Velma nodded. “And?”

“And I want to be a part of that. Three vampires can stop a lot more serial killers than one can.” She smiled.

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Velma hoped she was. “There’ll be no more chocolate marmalade cakes.”

“Hmm, yeah, that’s almost a deal-breaker,” she pretended with a cheeky smile. “Yes, I’m sure! There’s no way I’m going to turn down the opportunity to finally see the end of animal exploitation. I need to be in this fight!”

Velma was relieved. She smiled and did as her friend asked, then, leaving Muriel to her first sleep of the undead, went out to find her her first meal.